By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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