i was born a porn star she said
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
