u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
