Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
