you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
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Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
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I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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