trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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