im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Randomize
