Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
