Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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