My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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