I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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