So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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