Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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