I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
