I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
