so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
