update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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