and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
