She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
