Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
