I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
