My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
