i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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