Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
