sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
