He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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