Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
