dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
