Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
