broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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