At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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