Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Drunk is not a location!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
