using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
