i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
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I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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