You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
