Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
