just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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