Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
