We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
