Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
