What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
