There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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