Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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