Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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