I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
