community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
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Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
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It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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