I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
