He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
