there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
