come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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