My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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