totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
