if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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