Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
