My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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