I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
