I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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