well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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