It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She said her name was "party"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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