her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
