Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
