his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
